UKIP: Lord Fudge

Having finally accepted that his chances of a peerage recede further with every knock on the door from OLAF, Nigel Farage has decided to follow the lead of Christopher Monckton and simply pretend to be a member of the House of Lords. Ladies and Gentlemen - we give you 'Whingeing Lord Fudge!'

In a press conference today Lord Fudge told twenty empty chairs "I am repositioning the party. If Huhne goes down I'll be standing in Eastleigh, and I've told the activists they have to turn up in fancy dress, pull silly faces, and pretend to be someone they're not. I told Monckton he can just come as he is though. Despite the new image, the policies will stay the same, utter crap."

The party's press officer was upbeat, pointing out that in a recent council election, the Fresh Choice for Crumbledown-on-Sea candidate, Colonel Dickie Farquarson (deceased), polled a whopping 3 votes. "That's 3 more than we would have got if we had not stood, which proves that we are now the UK's second party" he gloated.

Party members will soon receive a letter from the NEC advising them of a constitutional change knocked up in a ramshackle bar in St James which will require them in future to address the party leader as M'Luddite.

Lord Monckton, three times Olympic gold medallist and former adviser to the Aga Khan, was unavailable for comment.