Nigel Cabbage warns of dire consequences after the Irish vote 'Yes' to handing over all their cash to pay for a new series of EU Parliament paintings. We understand that the paintings will be entitled 'The collapse of the Irish economy following Nigel's successful campaign to p*ss off the Irish by telling them how to vote'.
A large number of Irish tinkers contemplate annexing Nigel's palatial EFD palace (built using donations from the 'Annabelle Fuller Sexual Harassment Fund') during a visit to Brussels
More light relief from the blogosphere!
Nigel Cabbage, charismatic spokesman for the United Kingdom Independence Party, has warned his reflection that Britain faces an ‘imminent invasion’ from tinkers, scissor-sharpeners, farriers, violinists, rag and bone men and terrorists should the IRA economy fail.
Speaking into his hairbrush in front of his bathroom mirror, Mr. Cabbage shouted,
“The United Kingdom, as the IRA’s closest neighbour and trading partner, will be expected to pick up the tab should their so-called ‘tiger economy’ fail. And that’s not all. As well as handing over several hundred sacks bulging with sovereigns, groats, crowns, guineas and farthings, we’ll be forced by Europe to let them come over here so they can infest our towns and cities with their lilting voices, their strange, potato-faced children, their long pottery pipes and their whimsical olden days trading activities.”
Mr. Cabbage, who was killed in an alarming aeronautical exclamation earlier this year, worries what effect this will have on the British economy.
“Everyone knows that the IRA, as well as being Catholic terrorists with big sideburns, flared trousers and cheesecloth shirts, have a way with words,” he told The Bloody EEC. “How long before our traditional, home-grown army of hawkers, pedlars, cowboy builders, rogue traders, thieves, tinkers and vagabonds are cast aside in favour of an unstoppable surge of silver-tongued IRA immigrants, all armed to the teeth with Semtex and the gift of the gab? We’re looking at the largest levels of mass-unemployment amongst the indigenous population of landscape gardeners, roofing contractors and people who con old women out of their savings since the last wave of IRA immigration in the 1960s.”
“They should stay where they are,” he went on. “They got themselves into this mess by using their cunning gypsy charms on the EEC Finance Committee once too often, so it’s only fair they ride out the storm and not place the burden on an already overstretched British taxpayer. If they run out of money, I suggest they eat horses.”
But the IRA prime minister was quick to refute Mr. Cabbage’s claims. Paddy O’Flabberts & Son Funfair Erection, Landscape Gardening and Domestic Driveway Repair Ltd. told The Bloody EEC:
“Mr. Cabbage’s remarks are detestable. We have made great strides over the last thirty years to stop blowing up city centres and do jobs that don’t involve promising to fix the boiler and then running off with the Post Office savings book when the householder’s back is turned. We now have a semi-professional football team, a yearly entry into the Eurozone Song Evisceration Competition and a half-finished network of ditches we hope to connect to a pipe we found sticking out of the Irish Sea. It is not helpful to suggest we would invade Britain or that we would want any of our former colonial master’s money. Mind you, we might do if we run out of horses to eat.”
He later ran back in and told us he’d forgotten to mention Oliver Cromwell and the Potato Famine.
CORRECTION: In the above article, Nigel Cabbage is referred to as the ‘charismatic spokesman for the United Kingdom Independence Party’. This should have read, ‘the asthmatic spokesman for the United Kingdom Independence Party’. We apologise for any distress this may have caused Mr. Cabbage and his family.
To read the original: LINK